-Since I started transitioning, I've had brainworms about wanting to be presentably feminine at all times, with no effort or preparation required. It's a large part of why I was so insistent in getting full body laser hair removal, vocal feminization surgery, and facial feminization surgery, and why I'm pursuing various other procedures. A lot of other trans girls don't quite understand it, but I want to be me, even when I'm at home by myself in the dark, even if I'm not able to shave or wear makeup or do my hair regularly. I want permanence, not performance.
-The idea of writing a journal specifically for a future husband is incredibly bizarre to me. Maybe it's supposed to be a display of intimacy, loyalty, or trust, but it has the exact opposite effect: If the entire journal is written for him, then it's wholly performative and there's no reason to trust anything in it. Even if she tries to be honest, the journal's narrative will inevitably be skewed by the fact that she knows it's going to be read by someone; that's going to affect what she writes, subconsciously if nothing else.
I went through a phase as a teenager where I compulsively journaled about everything that happened in my life. I refused to show anyone, but deep down, I think I expected someone to read it eventually, and wrote accordingly. This is something that hinders my writing even now. I'll start out writing for myself, unrestrained, letting the ideas flow free. Then at some point, I'll notice that I slipped into writing as though it's meant for someone else's consumption: slowing down, becoming more cautious with my word choices and phrasing, making arguments instead of statements and crafting narratives instead of just expressing ideas.
-For as long as I've remembered, I've had a persistent sense of being watched, a feeling that everything I did - even in private - was being viewed from some absolute perspective. Same as you, I think it's rooted in my childhood belief in God; I was raised by secular Cafeteria Catholics instead of Evangelical fundamentalists, but I still went to Catholic school for 9 years and internalized a lot of Christian dogma. After I left Christianity behind, the feeling of being watched by God has changed into something more subtle and harder to describe - a sense of being observed and perhaps even judged by the Universe, combined with a sense of absolute permanence to my actions, as though they're recorded forever into the fabric of reality itself. These feelings have become less intense over the years but they've never gone away completely. (I'm honestly not sure whether this relates to the issues I mentioned above.)
-Regarding Instagram, TikTok, etc., I think this ties into the discussion we had the other night about why prosperity as a virtue doesn't work anymore. At the time, I blamed it on the hedonic treadmill and naïveté, but I think another huge factor is that the media (especially social media) gives people a very skewed perception of what 'normal' is, making them believe they're poorer in *relative* terms than they actually are. I saw a tweet earlier tonight that made things click into place (https://x.com/queerBengali/status/1794848377748000770), and while she's specifically talking about economics, I think this applies to a lot of other areas of life too. Whether it's wealth, attractiveness, intelligence, popularity, or accomplishments, constant exposure to people who are better (or just seem better from a handful of cherry-picked snapshots) can easily cause people to think they're below-average even when they're not.
-Go watch 'I Saw The TV Glow' if you get the chance! I'd be really curious to hear your thoughts on it.
Scattered thoughts:
-Since I started transitioning, I've had brainworms about wanting to be presentably feminine at all times, with no effort or preparation required. It's a large part of why I was so insistent in getting full body laser hair removal, vocal feminization surgery, and facial feminization surgery, and why I'm pursuing various other procedures. A lot of other trans girls don't quite understand it, but I want to be me, even when I'm at home by myself in the dark, even if I'm not able to shave or wear makeup or do my hair regularly. I want permanence, not performance.
-The idea of writing a journal specifically for a future husband is incredibly bizarre to me. Maybe it's supposed to be a display of intimacy, loyalty, or trust, but it has the exact opposite effect: If the entire journal is written for him, then it's wholly performative and there's no reason to trust anything in it. Even if she tries to be honest, the journal's narrative will inevitably be skewed by the fact that she knows it's going to be read by someone; that's going to affect what she writes, subconsciously if nothing else.
I went through a phase as a teenager where I compulsively journaled about everything that happened in my life. I refused to show anyone, but deep down, I think I expected someone to read it eventually, and wrote accordingly. This is something that hinders my writing even now. I'll start out writing for myself, unrestrained, letting the ideas flow free. Then at some point, I'll notice that I slipped into writing as though it's meant for someone else's consumption: slowing down, becoming more cautious with my word choices and phrasing, making arguments instead of statements and crafting narratives instead of just expressing ideas.
-For as long as I've remembered, I've had a persistent sense of being watched, a feeling that everything I did - even in private - was being viewed from some absolute perspective. Same as you, I think it's rooted in my childhood belief in God; I was raised by secular Cafeteria Catholics instead of Evangelical fundamentalists, but I still went to Catholic school for 9 years and internalized a lot of Christian dogma. After I left Christianity behind, the feeling of being watched by God has changed into something more subtle and harder to describe - a sense of being observed and perhaps even judged by the Universe, combined with a sense of absolute permanence to my actions, as though they're recorded forever into the fabric of reality itself. These feelings have become less intense over the years but they've never gone away completely. (I'm honestly not sure whether this relates to the issues I mentioned above.)
-Regarding Instagram, TikTok, etc., I think this ties into the discussion we had the other night about why prosperity as a virtue doesn't work anymore. At the time, I blamed it on the hedonic treadmill and naïveté, but I think another huge factor is that the media (especially social media) gives people a very skewed perception of what 'normal' is, making them believe they're poorer in *relative* terms than they actually are. I saw a tweet earlier tonight that made things click into place (https://x.com/queerBengali/status/1794848377748000770), and while she's specifically talking about economics, I think this applies to a lot of other areas of life too. Whether it's wealth, attractiveness, intelligence, popularity, or accomplishments, constant exposure to people who are better (or just seem better from a handful of cherry-picked snapshots) can easily cause people to think they're below-average even when they're not.
-Go watch 'I Saw The TV Glow' if you get the chance! I'd be really curious to hear your thoughts on it.